The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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