I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So apparently I’m into choking now
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
