I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
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