cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
