dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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