drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
