I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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