If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
