My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
