i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
