If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
