I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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