I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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