Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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