I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The power of my boobs compel you
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
