he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
