Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
