life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
