my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's rum buckets o'clock
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
