u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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