Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
