I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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