anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just puked most of my soul out..
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