you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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