God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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