Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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