There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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