I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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