1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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