I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
