I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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