A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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