what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
