im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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