I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
