fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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