do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
