6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
