God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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