Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
