The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
