She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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