have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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