final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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