I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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