Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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