heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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