Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
