She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
