I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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